Month: December 2012

Nothing makes you feel worse about being single than good ole-fashioned holiday cheer. And you’ve entered that period punctuated by a series of holidays whose sole purpose, it can seem, is to remind you of your romantic deficiency: the Christmas-New Year’s Eve-Valentine’s Day triumvirate. Times like these, you may get extremely maudlin, nostalgic and lonely, and it will be natural for you to want to reach out on any of these emotion-laden days. Do not — we repeat — do not do this.

Let’s take New Year’s Eve: arguably the worst of the three and the one most likely have you sexting, “U around? Cum over.” Maybe you’ll want to snuggle up with that formerly special someone and watch the ball drop. Maybe you’ll want to turn to your ex at midnight and kiss in the New Year. Maybe, on New Year’s Day, you’ll want to sip hot cocoa and walk, holding hands, in the snow. But resist. Remind yourself of why your ex is your ex. Maybe he* had an irrational fear of neediness that can be attributed to, but in no way justified by his problematic (to be charitable) relationship with his mother and would never get off his ass to make the two of you hot cocoa. Or maybe he would, but then silently resent you for the huge endeavor that is microwaving. Maybe, because of a sudden vain obsession with working out, that can be attributed to, but in no way justified by his childhood chubbiness, he would have turned a hand-holding stroll into solo jog, the mileage of which he would have reported on Facebook AND Twitter. Twitter? Really? Speaking of the interwebs, maybe the way he broke up with you was so inhumane, it’s reason enough to not be with him. These are purely hypothetical situations, of course. And the creativity of assholes knows no bounds, so, of course, choose your own douche-bag-based adventure.

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Last night, perennially bronzed Speaker of the House John Boehner was forced to abandon “Plan B,” his “solution” to the “fiscal cliff,” after failing to get enough Republican support to bring it to a vote. Ouch. Kinda embarrassing. But what was Plan B? And what is the significance of its failure? When I saw first saw that Plan B was all over the Twitter and the interwebs, I assumed everyone was talking about emergency contraception. Turns out, in an attempt to avoid automatic tax hikes scheduled to take effect on Jan. 1, Boehner was proposing extending current tax rates for all Americans earning up to $1 million annually, as opposed to Obama’s income cut-off of $400,000.

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Donald Trump has successfully sued former Miss Pennsylvania Sheena Monnin for defaming his Miss Universe pageant by claiming the whole contest was rigged. The case went to arbitration and a very fair-minded judge ordered Monnin to pay the totally reasonable sum of $5 million to Donald’s humble org. Just to put this amount into context, the average payout from the September 11th Fund was $1.8 million.

In a statement, Trump said, “We cannot allow a disgruntled contestant to make false and reckless statements which are damaging to the many people who have devoted their hearts and souls to the Miss Universe, Miss USA and Miss Teen USA pageant systems….While I feel very badly for Sheena, she did the wrong thing. She was really nasty, and we had no choice. It is an expensive lesson for her.”

Poor Trump. If anyone knows about defamation, it’s Donald, who dabbles in it almost daily. I’d like to do my own arbitration on some of Trump’s most egregious cases; just imagine me wearing a judicial robe while I dish out some fines.

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Today, the State Department released its internal investigation into BenghaziGate, which cited “systemic failures” and resulted in the resignation of three officials. But where, oh, where, is the Madame Secretary of State? Hillary Clinton was scheduled to testify tomorrow about the Libyan tragedy, and the GOP is adamant that she does so. But an immunologically defiant Hillary will stay at home, recovering from the concussion she sustained last week when she had a stomach virus, became dehydrated and fainted. Sure, Deputy Secretaries of State Bill Burns and Tom Nides will testify in her place. And, sure, she is reading the report from home and promises to follow its recommendations. And, sure, resting is standard doctor-recommended post-concussion procedure. But is that really all there is to the story?

The right-wing truth-tellers (RWTT™) may have caught Clinton in a devious lie. Fox’s Megan Kelly and Monica Crowley as well as The Daily Caller‘s Jim Treacher have all suggested that Hillary is faking her illness to avoid testifying about Benghazigate. And John Bolton, the notoriously charming Bush-appointed ambassador to the UN, said, “You know, every foreign service officer in every foreign ministry in the world knows the phrase I am about to use. When you don’t want to go to a meeting or conference, or an event, you have a ‘diplomatic illness,’ … And this is a diplomatic illness…” Ah ha! An experienced fake-sicker, John Bolton knows playing hooky when he sees it.

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