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Oil Spill: 5 New Rules and Regulations for Talking About BP Disaster

KatieHalper.com

1. Anyone can criticize the Obama administration as long as they've never  said either of the following:  "Drill, Baby, Drill" or "Drill Here, Drill Now." As I do not* fall into that category, allow me to Obama: Ken Salazar was a terrible choice; the take away lesson is not "don't worry, we will still drill" it's "this is what the 'invisible hand' of unregulated capitalism looks like."

2. There will be a moratorium on Katrina/BP oil spill analogies. Katrina : Oil Spill :: Holocaust : Slavery--corny, sloppy, lazy comparisons not supported by history or empirical evidence,  made  by people who either mistakenly think they are smart or intentionally create false equivalencies. (Even Joe Scarborough calls the Katrina/ Oil Spill analogy "obscene.") Once it is determined that Obama responded to the disaster by giving John McCain a birthday cake, playing guitar with a country singer , flying over but not setting foot in the Gulf area, Katrina: Oil Spill analogies may resume.

3. There will be a moratorium on FOX/MSNBC News analogies.FOX: MSNBC = Tea Party: Crazy Left Violent Marxists who are making death threats to Republicans**. Anyone who makes the false equivalency claim that MSNBC is Obama's/ The Left's Fox, will be forced to watch MSNBC for 24 hours and record the number of times an anchor criticizes Obama. Both articulate, intelligent criticisms, such as those made by Ed Schultz, as well as inane sound bites repeated again and again by apparent Tourettes sufferer Andrea Mitchell must be tallied.

4. Exxon Valdez is pronounced Valdez. Valdeez*** is make-believe Spanish invented by people who have never taken a Spanish class. When in doubt, pronounce the word as it's spelled. Don't overcompensate by trying to give it a Latin flavor. (This applies to "Chavez," as in Hugo or Cesar as well, which is pronounced CHAvez not ChaVEZ.)

5. Automatically blaming Halliburton every time you hear of a preventable fatal tragedy due to cutting corners and saving money or a rape cover-up is not paranoia or a knee-jerk reaction. It is a statistical probability supported by empirical studies reported in peer reviewed journals.

The Palin Doctrine: You Pay for Your Rape Kit, I'll Pay for my Tanning Bed

Sarah Palin was ambushed by Charlie Gibson with a gotcha question about the Bush Doctrine. Well, maybe Palin isn't an expert on the current president's doctrine, but, as her hero Virginia Woolf would have it, the governator has a doctrine of one's own, the Palin Doctrine, which strikes a balance between governmental largess and governmental neglect. Under said doctrine, for example, the government will pay for basic necessities such as installing a tanning bed in the Governor's mansion. We all know a depressed Governor makes a depressed state, and nothing gets rid of Seasonal Anxiety Disorder better than a fake tan. So Palin was acting with the economic and emotional wellbeing of Alaska in mind, when she had a tanning bed installed in her house.  As the women of Wasilla know, however, the Palin doctrine doesn't rejects government hand-outs such as rape kits.  During Palin's mayorlty, women were stuck with the tab for their forensic exams, which range from  $300 to $1,200. Palin refuses to perpetuate the endless cycle of rape-victim welfare.  By paying for rape kits, the government would be rewarding people who break their abstinence-only pledges, which, as we all know, are sacred to the entire Palin family, especially Bristol.  But by charging rape victims, the government encourages women to keep their purity pledges to their fathers. Plus the expense, makes women think twice about crying wolf, thus helping to reduce Alaska's per capita rape rate, which stands among the highest in our great nation.