Comedy News

The Supreme Court recently determined that corporations are entitled to freedom of speech because they are legally persons. The ramifications of this decision, Citizens United v. Federal Elections Commission, cannot be overstated:  it introduces an entirely new and untapped population into the dating pool.

Chances are you’ve never dated a corporation before. But don’t be intimidated. This can be a fun and exciting opportunity…  as long as you follow the corporation-dating rules.

1. Consider your options. There are a lot of corporations out there. Is this really the best corporation out there? Is this corporation “the one?” Or should you keep looking?

2. Don’t seem too eager to get involved. Remember, corporations are predatory by nature and enjoy a chase.
3. Do a background check. What kind of relationships has this corporation had in the past? What is the corporation’s history
4. Investigate the company the corporation keeps. Who is on its board of directors? Have any been indicted?
5. Check out the corporation’s assets and figures. How do they look? Are they appealing to you?
6. Say that you’re fiscally conservative but socially liberal. Corporations find this very sexy.
7. Make sure you wait before you give up any of your assets. Corporations lose interest when you give it up right away.
8. Don’t over invest. Nothing hurts more than giving without getting.
9. Resist the “urge to merge.” Mergers often look appealing but they tend to be messy and almost always hurt party.
10. Assume the worst. Corporations have a one track mind and they can’t wait to get their hands on your goods.
11. And last but not least…Protect yourself. Corporations can be very reckless and you never really know how many people this corporation has screwed.

Scott Brown's victory was a truly historic moment. For the first time in recent history, a senator-elect announced the dating status of his daughters: "For anyone watching around the country, they're both available." Well, that's not entirely true. "Arianna's definitely not available," he said. "But Ayla is!" (Check out the video here) In all fairness, Ayla is used to being in the spotlight and being embarrassed, since she was an American Idol contestant. Her father is no stranger to idolatry, having modeled nude for the centerfold of Cosmo.

But exhibitionism isn't the only common trait of father and daughter. Alya is also a novice politico, who uses her pipes to belt out tunes and political zingers. She demanded that Martha Coakley take down a dishonest ad (which is less dishonest and more... critical) and highlights a Brown-sponsored bill which "would have allowed a doctor, nurse or hospital to deny rape victims an emergency contraceptive if it 'conflicts with a sincerely held religious belief.'".

Boys, I know talented women can be intimidating. And, since Scott Brown told the entire country that his daughters were single, you're bound to face stiff competition. Look out for Jonah Goldberg who already tweeted his intentions: "Brown daughters are definitely easy on the eyes. If you like that sort of thing."

But I also know from experience that whispering politically appropriate sweet nothings can be the best way to a woman's heart. And if Ayla is anything like her father, she's a tea party-party animal. Scott was supported by the Boston Tea Party, and attended a Friends of the Tea Party Scott Brown Reception, where he encouraged supporters to be "patriots" (for only $25), "Sons of Liberty" (for $100) "Sam Adams" (for $250) and "American Revolutionary (for $500, a real steal.) So try out these Tea Party-friendly pick up lines and you'll be sharing a hot cup with Ayla, and maybe even Arianna, in no time!

1. "I wanna whisper sweet anti-government anti-immigrant, homophobic, racist nothings into your ear."
2. "I want to do to you what Obama is doing to this country... all night long."
3. "I know you're saving yourself for your dad, but can I have you after?"
4. "Do you have any xenophobia in you? Would you like some?"
5. "you're so hot you make me believe in global warming... almost."
6. "I'd love to practice abstinence only with you."
7. "Stop Stimulating my package!"
8. "Not to brag, but I got every Glenn Beck show taped on VHS back at my place."
9. "Show me your O (Bama) Face?"(technically, I think we see it in the video after Scott Brown announces his daughter's availability)

And if things are going really well, try this naughty nugget

1.  "Does the astroturf match the curtains?"

Anyone who has ever been caught with his pants down knows it's easier to look up to Jesus than it is to squat down into a lotus position. So Brit Hume, Fox News commentator and moonlighting theologian, is urging the troubled Tiger Woods to mend his skirt-chasing and om-chanting ways by embracing Christ. On Fox News Sunday, Hume preached that

"The extent to which he can recover seems to me depends on his faith... He is said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. My message to Tiger would be, 'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'"

 Hume knows a thing or too about redemption. After all, he is a recovering sinner himself, having once been divorced and -- even worse -- a liberal. But the now-remarried conservative has seen the light. If Woods would accept Jesus Christ as his lord and savior, Hume and the entire Christian world would accept this glorious golfer and forgive his swinging tendencies.

Tiger, you'll be happy to know that it's not only politicians who get to sin with one hand and cross themselves with the other. You won't be the odd man out if you convert. You would be in great company, joining a brotherhood of athletes whose fouls meet no penalties. You may have lost some endorsements, but you can represent the best brand ever!

I hereby now induct thee into the Christian-sinner-Sports Hall of Fame! Where you will break bread with:

• Carl Everett. This former Major League outfielder won't be outsmarted by the dinosaurist agenda: "God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve." Everett continues his exacting biblical exegesis explaining,"The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex." Touche. Everett strikes out the alleged "evidence" of dinosaur fossils, which he dismisses as "made by man." He does, however concede that man may have walked on the moon: "it's possible." So Christ forgives him when he gets into shouting matches, grabs his crotch, nose-bumps, says he thrives on being hated, and is charged with child abuse.
• Jeff Gordon. NASCAR star and Winston Cup winner, "is to stock-car racing as Tiger Woods is to golf: young, handsome, fiercely competitive -- and putting his sport in the spotlight." But unlike Woods, Gordon spends every night before a race studying the Bible. He drives with a passage of Scripture taped to his steering wheel, studying it at pit stops. "They're always different," he says, and they remind him that "I'm able ... to overcome anything." Surely Christ can overcome -- or overlook -- Gordon's "marital misconduct" with an exotic dancer/ occasional Bay Watch star-turned-department store cosmetics saleswoman-turned-Playboy model, which his wife would later cite in her divorce papers.
• Evander Holyfield. As the holy Holyfield explained "There is no way I cannot win. I believe in God, so I will surely beat Tyson.... Well, you know, I'm led by the Holy Spirit, so whatever I do, I know I will have enough to win." It must have been the satanic spirit, then, that led Tyson to do to Holyfield's ear what Eve did to the apple in Eden. Since Tyson was a member of the nation of Islam, the bite may have represented the way holy war between Christianity and Islam. Either way, Holyfield continues to listen to the Lord (from His lips to Evander's lone ear.) So he's forgiven when doesn't pay child support, cheats on his wives, and has children outside of holy matrimony (he estimates 9). The Lord understands that Holyfield is just seeding God's world, and following his order to "be fruitful and multiply." 
• Andy Pettitte. The NY Yankees pitcher writes in his spiritual treatise Strike Zone: Targeting a Life of Intregrity and Purity, "As a Christian I also have one goal. I want to fulfill God's purpose for my life. I constantly ask myself 'What does God want me to do?' and 'Where does He want me to go?'" Somehow Pettitte made a petite erreur and thought God wanted him to take Human Growth Hormone. But this Christian zealot can surely be forgiven for his overzealous use of performance enhancing drugs and lying. After all, he only claimed to be targeting a life of integrity and purity, not hitting said target.
• Deion Sanders. Humbly referring to himself in the third person, the football and baseball wonder writes in his born-again memoir Power, Money & Sex that "He loves the Lord with all his heart," and, in a particularly heart-warming passage, "is covered by the blood of Jesus." His faith is so great that he paid only1,500 on a4,265.57 car repair bill because, as he told the mechanic, "Praise Jesus ... I follow what in my heart I'm told to pay.'' In exchange for the praise, Christ, Sanders' financial adviser, forgives the bi-ball star's drug abuse, philandering, assaulting fans, depleting his children's trust fund, and wife-battering.

So, Tiger, follow the advice of Brother Brit. Embrace Christ like these fellow athletes, whose sinning never gets in the way of their faith and whose faith never gets in the way of their fun! Just Say No to Nirvana and Yes to Deliverance

The Health Care vote in the house was close. And it still needs to pass the Senate. Poor branding, such as the term Public Option, didn't help the cause.  But it's not too late to win the support of  Republican enemies and the Teabaggers who control them.  I submit  a list of re-branding alternatives that will have Obamacare foes supporting health care reform faster than you can say Death Panels! Vote on which one will have the Teabaggers Teabagging for reform.

The Private Option 
The Keep the Government out of my Medicare/ Medicaid Option 
• The Eternal Life Panels Option
• The "This Option Kills Commies" Option 
• The "This Option Defeats Gay Marriage" Option 
• The "This Option makes a magical wall that keeps out the illegal aliens" Option 
• The "Let's Trivialize the Holocaust by Comparing it to Health Care Reform" Option 
• The WWBMW (What Would Baby Maddie Weawy Weawy Want) Option 

Bat-s*&^ crazy, right-wing wingbats stop denying the holocaust so that they can liken it to federally funded health care.

The bad news: Honduran deal falls apart. The good news: little disappointment in the United States as nobody
knew/cared about deal/Honduras in the first place

New Jersey chooses fat over bald.

Israel's rejection of U.N. approval of Goldstone's Gaza Report prompts allegations of antisemitism

Right Wing claims Fort Hood shooter is Joe Biden

Like my fellow American patriots, I refuse to sit by while the Nazi Marxist President sends storm troops of Dr Mengeles to pull the plug on millions of grannies. Just keep out of our persona lives. My health care is my business and it's between me myself and I(nsurance companies.) Up until yesterday, I was telling the government to stay out of my granny's Medicare, which works just fine, thank you very much. But I recently learned that Medicare is actually government provided, public-option program (they're a sly, wily and sneaky bunch of Jews, they are.) And, because I'm no hypocrite, I'm putting my money where my mouth is and un-enrolling Granny from Medicare. If Medicare spreads to younger people, I will reject all benefits. My fellow Americans who say no to government takeover of our lives and organs, won't you please join me in my boycott of government funded health insurance? Sign the NO PUBLIC OPTION pledge!

For those of us on Medicare or with a family member on Medicare:

I ______
oppose the Nazi-Communist infiltration of my personal life via Medicare, and thus reject all Medicare benefits for myself and my family.

For those of us on state-run health programs:
I ________
oppose the Nazi-Communist government infiltration of our personal lives via Medicaid and such (low-income programs often going by innocent-sounding names like Healthy Citizen, Health Plus, Family Health, etc) and thus reject benefits from such programs for myself and my family.

For those of us on VA healthcare or with loved ones on VA healthcare:
I ___________
oppose the Nazi-Communist government infiltration of our personal lives via VA healthcare, and thus reject VA benefits for myself and/or my family members.

For Congressmen and Senators opposed to the public option:
I ____________
oppose the Nazi-Communist government infiltration of our personal lives, and thus reject the health insurance provided to me by the U.S. government .

LET'S NOT STOP WITH ILLNESS-RIGHTS

It is not enough to say no to the government's control of our illness-related rights. We must stop government takeovers wherever they exist, from sea to sea, from shore to shore. If not us, then who? If not now, then when?

Look for our next series of pledges.

For now, consider signing this one, which applies to all of us.

I ____________
oppose the Nazi-Communist government infiltration into my transit freedoms and thus
refuse to drive on county, state, or inter-state highways.

Political scientists and historians from Rush Limbaugh to Sean Hannity to Lyndon LaRouche to that woman with short brown hair who, I deduce, must be a scholar of German history, are comparing Obama to Hitler and his likening his health care plan to Nazism. Liberal bullies and freedom of speech haters like Barney Frank are trying to silence these brave Americans who are speaking truth to Nazi power just as they want to smother our grandmothers. But is it so wrong to compare the Communist-Nazi-Muslim-Jeremiah Wright-following Obama to Hitler? Does comparing health care reform aimed at saving millions of lives to an extermination of millions of lives trivialize the holocaust? I think not! They say those who don't learn their history are condemned to repeat its mistakes. Well, a quick look at the history, the facts and data analysis reveal the frightening and shocking similarities between Obama and Hitler. Will America realize this before its too late?

Expert economist and seasoned diplomat* Jon Voight isn't the only one on to the "fellow who's bringing us to chaos and socialism." All you have to do is look at Obama's trip to the Middle East to see his darker, more Muslimer, elitister, and inexperienceder side.

Obama is such an elitist, he makes his staff ride camels. Guess there's no room for them in his Prius.

Obama is so experienced and inappropriate, he thinks it's ok for Hillary Clinton to pretend to be a mime outside of a Mosque.

Michelle wore a scarf around her neck when in Paris. The floral foulard may look innocent, but it's just a tug and wrap away from being a full on Muslim head scarf and a pattern away from a Rachael Ray Keffiyah.

In his speech in Cairo, Obama demonstrated a frighteningly intimate familiarity with esoteric ins and outs of Islam [he knows that their holy book is called the Koran] which is basically solid proof that Obama "may still be a Muslim."

Obama displayed his fluency in the language of the Koran when he chatted effortlessly [said "thank you" in Arabic] in Arabic with the King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. But was "thank you" really what he said? How do we know Obama isn't sending secret socialist-Islamist messages to Muslims in front of our very ears? Unfortunately, we'll never know, since we fired all our gay translators (don't ask/ don't translate), which was still worth it.

In An Effort To Reach Out, Hillary Clinton Accepts Iran's Invitation To Attend A Sold-Out

Public Stoning

Republicans Oppose Obama's Plan To Appoint First Presidential A Cappella Group

Obama Asks Health And Human Services Nominee Kathleen Sebelius To Talk To Malia

and Sasha About "The Birds and Bees Stuff"

Obama And Biden Surprise Teddy Kennedy Aith An "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"

Duet At His Birthday Bash

President's Mother-In-Law Says Stimulus Package Isn't Good Enough; Wishes President Were More Of A Provider

Kathleen Sebelius Adopts Late-Term Fetus To Appease Pro-Life Critics

GOP Prints "Bobby 'Macaca' Jindal 2012" Bumper Stickers

Europe Denies That It No Longer Exists