10 Worst Sex and Romance Tips from the Christian Right

Let right-wing Christians spice up your love life on the most romantic day of the year.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, we bring you 13 pieces of advice from the Christian Right so you can spend the potentially sin-inducing holiday the right way.

1. Dump the Infidel

Dan Miser, author of Single Woman Seeking Perfect Man has a must-read column called “Five Red Flags for Christians Blinded by Romance.” The worst one of all is when “you’re dating an unbeliever,” or “dating someone who does not have a personal relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ.” Well, it turns out, “Any emotional attachment you have toward a person who is not on the same spiritual page as you, or vice versa, is an unhealthy attachment.” But don’t worry. Follow these concrete steps to find happiness, which are presented in totally relatable colloquial language: “Read and learn from those such as Samson of the Bible, and do now what you’ll otherwise wish you would have done later. Heed God’s Word, and be not unequally yoked.” In case you missed the memo, Miser has you covered. “Yes, that means break up and move on.”

2. Don’t Do It Missionary-Style

It’s not just wrong to date a doubter of Jesus Christ; it’s a documented and diagnosable disease, according to Miser. “Most Christians who hang onto a non-believer actually think they are the best chance that their unsaved date will ever have for knowing Jesus? Don’t be deceived.” And it’s so endemic that someone made up a term for it. “Someone has already coined a word for this false evangelistic strategy. It is called ‘missionary dating’.” Don’t do it!

Hey ladies! Because the Christian Right doesn’t exactly challenge the gender binary, to put it lightly, let’s look at some of the advice tailored for women.

Continue reading “10 Worst Sex and Romance Tips from the Christian Right”

Cannibalism, castration & cocaine: 9 Christian Right warnings against New Year’s

image via wikipedia
image via wikipedia

If you plan to celebrate New Year’s Eve Wednesday or New Year’s Day Thursday,  I’m glad you’re reading this. In an attempt to understand whether New Years celebrations are actually Christian, I did some research on the internets. While some Christians celebrate New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, it turns out that God most definitely does NOT want you to celebrate it. Here are some reasons why.

1. History proves it is wrong. 

Lest you think celebrating New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day is no big deal, The Church of God Faithful Flock proves just how wrong you are in an essay called The Truth About New Year’s, which makes GREAT USE OF ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!

Notice the proof of history… The celebration of New Year’s began in ancient Babylonia in Mesopotamia. It was a pagan custom of ancient sun-worship 2000 years before the birth of Jesus. The celebration of New Year’s is never once commanded in the Bible. Jesus and the apostles never observed it. Moses forbade it!