Here is what I had the pleasure of hearing while trying to work in a coffee shop. Not work as a barista but work, as in, write (they have wireless.)

Setting: coffee shop chain on the Upper West Side. Woman in her late 20s is siting in a booth, trying typing on her computer, half paying attention to what she's writing half paying attention to the three girls sitting in a booth behind her. The girls are either freshman or sophomores in college. Their voices go up at the end of each sentence, in an Upper East Side twang. 

Girl #1: "I hear you"

Girl #2: [inaudible]

Woman: [what is she saying? I can't hear. If they are distracting me from my work they should have the decency to speak loudly enough for me to hear.] I'm obsessed with that expression

Girl #1: "I hear you."

Girl #3: "I hear you."

Woman: [wow, they love this expression "I hear you." Ironic that I am "hearing them."]

Girl #2: "I'm obsessed with that expression 'I hear you'." 

Woman: [wow, she read my mind.]

Girl #2:"I've been so out of it because i didn't have my triple shot."

Girl #3: "Do you want to go to Urban*? It's still open."

Girl #1: "Yeah. Totally."

Girl #2:"I've been so out of it because i didn't have my triple shot today."

Girl #1: "How was your wax?"

Girl #3: "Does your dad what your expenses are? he doesn't know how much you pay for waxing, does he?"

Girl #2:"I just tell him i get waxed. I just tell him i go to ."

*Urban Outfitters

I would like to give birth to a new holiday tradition. Forget the Happy Hanukkah cards. How about a thank you note?

Who killed Jesus is a topic of much debate: was it the Jews, the Romans, a combination, Jesus's own father, a plot requirement?  Yet the question of who gave birth to baby Jesus is answered without equivocation: Mary. Yes, she did so with the help of God, but it was Mary who schlepped from inn to inn before settling on a perfectly acceptable no-frills manger (a real find). And it was her zaftig child bearing hips which really delivered the goods. I happen to like Jesus, who was a real mensch, and wish that the Church followed his teachings more closely. And I'm not trying to take all the Jewish credit for Christ's birth.  I just think that since we have, throughout history, been blamed for his death, we deserve, at the very least, a a little credit for his birth. So here are some sample cards I would like to see. Nothing fancy, don't go crazy. Just something like "Thanks so much for the best Christmas present ever... Jesus Christ!!!" Or "We were thrilled with a lord. But a lord AND savior! You really outdid yourself." So Christians, send a thank you note to every Tom, Dick and Harry--or Tov, Dov, and Heschie--you know.

Joe Biden is never at a loss for words. Clearly this former stutterer is making up for lost time. So when George Stephanopoulos asked Biden why Obama had chosen Warren--a man who compares homosexuality to incest and pedophelia--to deliver the invocation, Biden got right to the point:

"Well, look, Barack Obama, candidate Obama, Senator Obama, President-elect Obama [JUST SO WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE ON WHICH BARACK OBAMA I'M TALKING ABOUT] has a--a stellar and outspoken record in support of equality for all Americans, including gay and lesbian Americans. But he also has made a judgment--I think correctly--that in order to heal the wounds of this country and move this country forward so we get out of this--this--this mindset overstated of red and blue and the like--that he was going to reach out, he was going to reach out...this is a time to reach out [NOT REACH AROUND.]"

This prudish position is somewhat surprising coming from a man who once waxed romantic about spending time with men in foxholes:

"I've been in these foxholes with these kids, literally in bunkers with them. Let me tell you something, nobody asked anybody else whether they're gay in those foxholes. Our allies--the British, the French, all our major allies--gays openly serve. I don't know the last time an American soldier said to a backup from a Brit, 'Hey, by the way, let me check. Are you gay? Are you straight?' This is ridiculous."

I know my parents consider me a reason to love NY, but I didn't know New York Magazine did. In their "Reasons to Love New York" issue, New York Magazine counts "because our schoolteachers are such prim homebodies" as the 24th reason to love the city. Writer Jesse Green counts me as one of the six teachers with interesting "double lives." I like to think of myself as a triple or quadruple threat, but I'll settle for double.

P.S.Olin, if you're out there reading this, thanks for commenting and  saying I rock your world. I'm sure the feeling would be mutual, if I knew who you were.

P.P.S.  I know I don't hold a candle to Janice Carter.

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24. Because Our Schoolteachers Are Such Prim Homebodies…

(Photo: Courtesy of Katie Halper)

Katie Halper Age: 27 School:The Dalton School, Manhattan. Subject: World History II (post ­French Revolution to 9/11), grade 10. Other life: Political comedian. Next gig: Laughing Liberally (Dec. 16) and Ha-Ha-Hannukah (Dec. 23) at The Tank. Persona: Stephen Colbert crossed with Sarah Silverman. "I pretend to have outrageous and offensive opinions because I am mocking those opinions." For instance: "People who know me as a comic assume that I must teach at an alternative high school for homeless transgender amputees." Teaching funny: "When you're talking about colonialism or imperialism or fascism, there is a lot of opportunity for humor. Not 'A Nazi walked into a bar' but . . ."

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Katie Halper rocks my world.

By Olin on 12/15/2008 at 11:25 pm

 

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Hi guys,

I know you are pulling your hair out, trying to figure out how you can listen to me on the Alan Colmes radio show and call in. Here is the info

in NYC : 1600 AM WWRL.

on satellite, it's on Sirius 145 and XM 168.

There is also a live webstream at www.alancolmesradio.com

And to call in, which you totally should, it's

1-877-367-2526

and enjoy this video