Before the State Of The Union

• kthalps: guys, the only way obama can repeal dont ask dont tell is if we dont ask dont tell. so shut up abt it. duh!

State Of The Union Starts
kthalps: I guess we'll have accept third-place "I do not accept
second-place for the United States of America." -Barack Obama.#SOTU
#Union address

• kthalps: joe biden blinks a lot. Nancy Pelosi barely blinks. Between the two of them, they blink at an average rate. #SOTU
• kthalps: did Joe Biden & Nancy Pelosi coordinate wearing
  purple (tie and suit, respectively)? And was that a reference 2 shades
  of blue/red = purple
• kthalps: looks like America is united by collective desire to punish banks!
• kthalps: u know Sandra Sotomayor had 2 use all self control 2 not slap Alito for saying "not true" #SOTU
• kthalps: I wrote Sandra Sotomayor intentionally. I was honoring O'Conner 4 opening door for female judges like Sonia. DUH!

After SOTU

• kthalps: Chris Matthews' comments about forgetting Obama was black was so Matthewsian. #sotu

McDonnell Response

• kthalps: Where did the Republicans find the three black people to stand behind Bob McConnell? #SOTU
• kthalps: why does the asian guy in glasses behind mcconnell keep nodding? It's like he's a bobble head #SOTU
• kthalps: sorry, make that mcdonnel. all white names look the same to me
• kthalps:i think "we welcome ur ideas on facebook and twitter" was not a joke. But audience laughed. Awks
• kthalps: oh snap! McConnel's daughter was in the army. Can't say
  that about Sasha or Malia, can you Barack Obama! Boooyakashah! #SOTU
  response
• kthalps: oh nice! McDonnel is advocating torture! "foreign terror suspect given same rights as U.S. citizen" I love it when Republicans get rt to the point #SOTU response
• kthalps: did they build this set especially for McDonnel's speech? #SOTU response

Commentary after SOTU & response

• kthalps: my mom on Anthony Weiner: "He was
  never married b4? Katie, find me a picture of his girlfriend online"
  #SOTU #thingsmymomsays
• kthalps: david Axelrod needs to brush his eyebrows. They got all hot & bothered during #SOTU

The Supreme Court recently determined that corporations are entitled to freedom of speech because they are legally persons. The ramifications of this decision, Citizens United v. Federal Elections Commission, cannot be overstated:  it introduces an entirely new and untapped population into the dating pool.

Chances are you’ve never dated a corporation before. But don’t be intimidated. This can be a fun and exciting opportunity…  as long as you follow the corporation-dating rules.

1. Consider your options. There are a lot of corporations out there. Is this really the best corporation out there? Is this corporation “the one?” Or should you keep looking?

2. Don’t seem too eager to get involved. Remember, corporations are predatory by nature and enjoy a chase.
3. Do a background check. What kind of relationships has this corporation had in the past? What is the corporation’s history
4. Investigate the company the corporation keeps. Who is on its board of directors? Have any been indicted?
5. Check out the corporation’s assets and figures. How do they look? Are they appealing to you?
6. Say that you’re fiscally conservative but socially liberal. Corporations find this very sexy.
7. Make sure you wait before you give up any of your assets. Corporations lose interest when you give it up right away.
8. Don’t over invest. Nothing hurts more than giving without getting.
9. Resist the “urge to merge.” Mergers often look appealing but they tend to be messy and almost always hurt party.
10. Assume the worst. Corporations have a one track mind and they can’t wait to get their hands on your goods.
11. And last but not least…Protect yourself. Corporations can be very reckless and you never really know how many people this corporation has screwed.

Scott Brown's victory was a truly historic moment. For the first time in recent history, a senator-elect announced the dating status of his daughters: "For anyone watching around the country, they're both available." Well, that's not entirely true. "Arianna's definitely not available," he said. "But Ayla is!" (Check out the video here) In all fairness, Ayla is used to being in the spotlight and being embarrassed, since she was an American Idol contestant. Her father is no stranger to idolatry, having modeled nude for the centerfold of Cosmo.

But exhibitionism isn't the only common trait of father and daughter. Alya is also a novice politico, who uses her pipes to belt out tunes and political zingers. She demanded that Martha Coakley take down a dishonest ad (which is less dishonest and more... critical) and highlights a Brown-sponsored bill which "would have allowed a doctor, nurse or hospital to deny rape victims an emergency contraceptive if it 'conflicts with a sincerely held religious belief.'".

Boys, I know talented women can be intimidating. And, since Scott Brown told the entire country that his daughters were single, you're bound to face stiff competition. Look out for Jonah Goldberg who already tweeted his intentions: "Brown daughters are definitely easy on the eyes. If you like that sort of thing."

But I also know from experience that whispering politically appropriate sweet nothings can be the best way to a woman's heart. And if Ayla is anything like her father, she's a tea party-party animal. Scott was supported by the Boston Tea Party, and attended a Friends of the Tea Party Scott Brown Reception, where he encouraged supporters to be "patriots" (for only $25), "Sons of Liberty" (for $100) "Sam Adams" (for $250) and "American Revolutionary (for $500, a real steal.) So try out these Tea Party-friendly pick up lines and you'll be sharing a hot cup with Ayla, and maybe even Arianna, in no time!

1. "I wanna whisper sweet anti-government anti-immigrant, homophobic, racist nothings into your ear."
2. "I want to do to you what Obama is doing to this country... all night long."
3. "I know you're saving yourself for your dad, but can I have you after?"
4. "Do you have any xenophobia in you? Would you like some?"
5. "you're so hot you make me believe in global warming... almost."
6. "I'd love to practice abstinence only with you."
7. "Stop Stimulating my package!"
8. "Not to brag, but I got every Glenn Beck show taped on VHS back at my place."
9. "Show me your O (Bama) Face?"(technically, I think we see it in the video after Scott Brown announces his daughter's availability)

And if things are going really well, try this naughty nugget

1.  "Does the astroturf match the curtains?"

After years of supporting her racist father, Liz Cheney is finally calling out racism where she sees it -- in the words of Harry Reid. Liz Cheney insists that Reid's comments about Obama were racist because they involved "I mean, talking about the color of the president's skin..." I think we can all agree that talking about skin color is racist, which is why affirmative action is so wrong and racist. Duh!

Why should we care what Liz Cheney has to say on the issue, you ask? Liz Cheney is a trusted source when it comes to identifying racism, having been raised by a highly racist father. She has really honed her Racism-dar. Now that Liz is using her voice to speak truth to racist power I can't wait to hear what she says about her father's racism, which includes great hits like

* His 1986 vote against a congressional resolution to free Nelson Mandela from prison

* His 1986 vote against sanctions on South Africa's apartheid government

* His 1986 vote against making Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday a national holiday

* His praise of segregationist Strom Thurmond

* His multiple votes against funding Head Start during the 1980's (which serves largely black and Latino populations)

So Liz, we're all ears.

Here is the latest Morning Jew show!

Morning Jewesses:

heather gold http://heathergold.com

katie halper http://katiehalper.com 

occasionally Rachel Sklar http://charitini.com

You don't have to be circumcized to send us tips:
http://twitter.com/morningJew

morning Jew 01/04/10 from heather gold on Vimeo.

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• Rachel Sklar
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Anyone who has ever been caught with his pants down knows it's easier to look up to Jesus than it is to squat down into a lotus position. So Brit Hume, Fox News commentator and moonlighting theologian, is urging the troubled Tiger Woods to mend his skirt-chasing and om-chanting ways by embracing Christ. On Fox News Sunday, Hume preached that

"The extent to which he can recover seems to me depends on his faith... He is said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. My message to Tiger would be, 'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'"

 Hume knows a thing or too about redemption. After all, he is a recovering sinner himself, having once been divorced and -- even worse -- a liberal. But the now-remarried conservative has seen the light. If Woods would accept Jesus Christ as his lord and savior, Hume and the entire Christian world would accept this glorious golfer and forgive his swinging tendencies.

Tiger, you'll be happy to know that it's not only politicians who get to sin with one hand and cross themselves with the other. You won't be the odd man out if you convert. You would be in great company, joining a brotherhood of athletes whose fouls meet no penalties. You may have lost some endorsements, but you can represent the best brand ever!

I hereby now induct thee into the Christian-sinner-Sports Hall of Fame! Where you will break bread with:

• Carl Everett. This former Major League outfielder won't be outsmarted by the dinosaurist agenda: "God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve." Everett continues his exacting biblical exegesis explaining,"The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex." Touche. Everett strikes out the alleged "evidence" of dinosaur fossils, which he dismisses as "made by man." He does, however concede that man may have walked on the moon: "it's possible." So Christ forgives him when he gets into shouting matches, grabs his crotch, nose-bumps, says he thrives on being hated, and is charged with child abuse.
• Jeff Gordon. NASCAR star and Winston Cup winner, "is to stock-car racing as Tiger Woods is to golf: young, handsome, fiercely competitive -- and putting his sport in the spotlight." But unlike Woods, Gordon spends every night before a race studying the Bible. He drives with a passage of Scripture taped to his steering wheel, studying it at pit stops. "They're always different," he says, and they remind him that "I'm able ... to overcome anything." Surely Christ can overcome -- or overlook -- Gordon's "marital misconduct" with an exotic dancer/ occasional Bay Watch star-turned-department store cosmetics saleswoman-turned-Playboy model, which his wife would later cite in her divorce papers.
• Evander Holyfield. As the holy Holyfield explained "There is no way I cannot win. I believe in God, so I will surely beat Tyson.... Well, you know, I'm led by the Holy Spirit, so whatever I do, I know I will have enough to win." It must have been the satanic spirit, then, that led Tyson to do to Holyfield's ear what Eve did to the apple in Eden. Since Tyson was a member of the nation of Islam, the bite may have represented the way holy war between Christianity and Islam. Either way, Holyfield continues to listen to the Lord (from His lips to Evander's lone ear.) So he's forgiven when doesn't pay child support, cheats on his wives, and has children outside of holy matrimony (he estimates 9). The Lord understands that Holyfield is just seeding God's world, and following his order to "be fruitful and multiply." 
• Andy Pettitte. The NY Yankees pitcher writes in his spiritual treatise Strike Zone: Targeting a Life of Intregrity and Purity, "As a Christian I also have one goal. I want to fulfill God's purpose for my life. I constantly ask myself 'What does God want me to do?' and 'Where does He want me to go?'" Somehow Pettitte made a petite erreur and thought God wanted him to take Human Growth Hormone. But this Christian zealot can surely be forgiven for his overzealous use of performance enhancing drugs and lying. After all, he only claimed to be targeting a life of integrity and purity, not hitting said target.
• Deion Sanders. Humbly referring to himself in the third person, the football and baseball wonder writes in his born-again memoir Power, Money & Sex that "He loves the Lord with all his heart," and, in a particularly heart-warming passage, "is covered by the blood of Jesus." His faith is so great that he paid only1,500 on a4,265.57 car repair bill because, as he told the mechanic, "Praise Jesus ... I follow what in my heart I'm told to pay.'' In exchange for the praise, Christ, Sanders' financial adviser, forgives the bi-ball star's drug abuse, philandering, assaulting fans, depleting his children's trust fund, and wife-battering.

So, Tiger, follow the advice of Brother Brit. Embrace Christ like these fellow athletes, whose sinning never gets in the way of their faith and whose faith never gets in the way of their fun! Just Say No to Nirvana and Yes to Deliverance

• Diaz isn't a bigot @Markos! Didn't u know some of his best friends & relatives are gay? He <3's the gays just not enough 2 give 'em = rights
  omg!
• gay marriage fails In NY? I expect this in Alabama but NY? So much 4 our northeast gay liberal elitist secular culture war
  
  
• Monserrate IS all about family values. He was so concerned when his gfriend walked into piece of glass he was holding #nymarriageequality
  
• I'm not married but I feel like I just survived an attempted attack on my heterosexuality. #nymarriageequality
• 
  Did Meredith Baxter coming out help or hurt vote? Maybe hurt it bc peops hold the sanctity of Keaton marriage as sacred http://bit.ly/696vst
• Maybe Meredith Baxter helped the cause. Maybe she emboldened a few dems by coming out. do not underestimate the influence of the keaton fam

Here I am on MSNBC learning that, contrary to popular/ logical belief, feminism and equal pay for men and women are totally unrelated issues.

Categories

• sarah palin
• msnbc
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