In case you don't believe Bill O'Reilly's claim that the Netroots Nation is like a "Klan gathering" and as hateful as the Nazis, check out this video I'm in. Five Steps Forward Media and I expose the Nazism! Why are they so hateful towards me and my people? You'll notice there is no Gypsy Caucus either, a group the Nazis tried to exterminate. What say you? Coincidence? I think not!
Here's a video I'm in made by Five Step Forward Media. 

(Written in satire. A literal trasnlation for the tonally impaired is available upon request.)

This weekend I went to Austin, Texas, to attend the third annual Netroots [Aryan] Nation, the convention formerly known as Yearly Kos and recently called a "Klan gathering" by Bill O'Reilly. I agree with O'Reilly that "including the Nazis and the Klan... there is not a more hateful group in the country than the Daily Kos People." I too hate this hateful conference, which encourages democracy, open politics, participatory democracy, grass roots organizing and other Nazi-ish thing. But I attend each year, under the guise of a Laughing Liberally comic and Living Liberally leader, in order to counter the lies of the liberal media, who receive their talking points and marching orders directly from Subcomandante Markos [Moulitsas]. I go because somebody needs to document the atrocities that are ignored by the appeasement era press and distorted by the Netroots deniers. I go to show the world the truth. I go to say Never Again.

So, here are some of the things you won't hear from the liberal media about the four-day gathering of over 2,000 progressive bloggers, journalists, politicians and activists.

1. The netroots are so vicious that Obama was forced to flee to the relative safety of Afghanistan.

2. The netroots are reconsidering their position on FISA. Although they were disappointed with Obama's vote and his absence from the conference, they have now realized that thanks to the new FISA law, Obama could hear everything they said.

3. The surprise guest was no surpirse. Everyone knew the surprise guest would be Al Gore. Duh! He is the inventor of the series of tubes known as the internets.

4. Al Gore proved global warming is real, beyond the shadow of a doubt. I'll admit it, I was a skeptic about global warming. But that was before I saw Al Gore speak live. Because what An Inconvenient Truth doesn't capture, is Gore's presence, energy, and sweat. After watching Gore sweat in an air-conditioned convention hall, it is impossible not to believe in global warming.

5. Al Gore is anti-American. During his speech, Gore mentioned wind turbines several times. Well, wind baseball caps are fine with me, Mr. Vice President. Love it or leave it!

6. The Socialist Party made a debut at the Convention. The convention has had Democrats and recovering Republicans. But this year for the first time, with Nancy Pelosi's attendance, the conference hosted a member of the Socialist Party.

7. Nancy Pelosi has sound judgment (for a Socialist). The Speaker of the House is a radical San Franciscan and a pusher of the Homosexual agenda, Yet when she spoke in Austin, Pelosi demonstrated sound judgment and astute reasoning through her vibrant mint green pants suit, a tasteful Clinton-Cleavage-free blouse, neutral but elegant tan heels, and warm honey highlights.

8. Donna Edwards does not belong in politics. If I learned anything from Representative Edwards' keynote speech, it's that she is too honest, hard-working, passionate, genuine, inspired, and inspiring to be in Congress. What is she thinking?

9. Contrary to popular belief, bloggers do have a sense of humor. The Netroots Nation gift bags included condoms.

10. John McCain should not be misunderestimated by the netroots. After all, McCain is already "aware of the internet." By next year's convention in Pittsburgh, the maverick may know how to get online.

I've blogged before about sarchasm, the neo logism which means the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. The word won won the Washington Post's neologism contest and it won my heart. I started a really ugly crappy blogspot blog on sarchasm, where I collected examples of posts I wrote which were taken as serious and not as satirical. I've been meaning to put them here and the Obama New Yorker cover got my you know what in gear. So I will post my post, then the responses to my posts, and then my responses to the responses to my post. The last part will be cathartic for me and, hopefully, funny for readers. We'll see. So stay tuned for some sarchasm.

1. Karl Rove wants to bone Michelle Obama

He recently described Barack as "the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by." Looks like someone wants Michelle to be his baby mama. It's OK Karl. This is where the healing starts.

2. If the caribou could speak, they would say "Build Us a Pipeline!"
Although the liberal media wants you to believe otherwise, the real champions for animal rights are the Republicans, not the Democrats. Look at pipeline-hugger Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., and her animal-centric advocacy for oil drilling in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Reserve: "Some suggestions are that perhaps we would see an enhancement of wildlife expansion because of the warmth of the pipeline..." Bachman argues that the drilling is already providing the social and caffeine dependent caribou with a meeting place, or, as she explains,"coffee klatch."

3. If we talk about torture, we let the CSPAN-watching terrorists win
Vice President Dick Cheney's top adviser David Addington rightly refuses to answer Congress's questions on his involvement in torture memos. He explains to pushy terrorist-enabler Bill Delahunt (D-MA) "you kind of communicate with al Qaeda. If you do--I can't talk to you, al Qaeda may watch CSPAN." Anyone who knows anything about islamofascism and/or cable service knows that Al quada hearts CSPAN, which is one of the few channels you can actually get in Afghani caves.

4. McCain chief strategist praying for terrorist attack on the U.S.
McCain strategist Charlie Black says of another terrorist attack on U.S., "certainly it would be a big advantage to him." Let's keep our fingers crossed!

5. Scratch that, McCain chief strategist was suffering from a good old fashioned case of delirium-inducing blueballs.
Turns out Black is "a good guy." He was just thinking with his other head, and was distracted by the "tremendous reporter cleavage," according to former McCain strategist Mike Murphy.

 PLEASE NOTE TIME CHANGE

A Laughing Liberally Special, featuring Cliff Schecter, author of The Real McCain: Why Conservatives Don't Trust McCain—And Why Independents Shouldn't.

If you haven't seen Laughing Liberally before, "Take a Chance on Me Us!"

Wed 6/25 @ 9pm

The Tank @ C:U - 279 Church Street
btw Franklin & White, below Canal
www.thetanknyc.org

Republicans are shocked and appalled that a racist pin which reads "If Obama is President...Will we still call it the White House?" was sold at the Texas Republican Party convention. To show their commitment to combating racism, the GOP is donating the money raised by the vendor to help flood victims in the Midwest. They also stipulated that under no circumstances could any of the money go to Katrina victims who are still without homes, neighbors, trailers or security. The difference, of course, as Rush Limbaugh explains, is that the people of Iowa and Illinois are "the heartland...and the backbone of America," while people of the gulf coast, are the infected appendix of the U.S., and "a bunch of people running around waving guns at helicopters...shooting cops....raping people on the street...whining and moaning--where's FEMA, where's BUSH."

Support reproductive freedom in '08 and get your laugh on with...

Planned Parenthood
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Chuckle the night away with fellow pro-choice New Yorkers and learn how can get involved in Planned Parenthood's political activities this election year.

6:30-7:30pm Happy Hour
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Your $15 (for students)/ $20 ticket includes admission and a one-year membership to the Action Fund. As a member, you'll get all the latest info on how to make pro-choice political change in 2008 and beyond.

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Dear ex-Hillary fans who are showing their support for her by ignoring her call to support Obama and supporting McCain,

First, we'd like to congratulate you. You've asked yourself WWJMD and you've decided to vote against your own interests and principles while furthering Senator McCain's. Before you're allowed on the band wagon, we are asking you to sign the following oath. A McCain presidency will mean different things for different people, so we have tailored the oaths accordingly.

The McCain Loyalty Oath for Gays

I, _______________, pledge to transfer my support from Hillary Clinton to John McCain. I agree to do all I can do to get McCain the vote. In order to achieve this noble goal I promise to support McCain's...

• promise to protect "the sanctity of marriage as between a man and woman."
• commitment to banning federal recognition of gay marriage and domestic partnerships.
• commitment to the Army's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy because to "even reopen the issue" would be a "terrific mistake."
• opposition to gay adoption which he doesn't think is "appropriate."
• opposition to expanding the federal hate crimes law to include sexual orientation.

As a gay person, I promise to apply McCain's principles to my own life and vow to...

• stop engaging in gay sex.
• never try to marry or adopt.
• enroll in a program to treat my homosexuality and "straighten" myself out, such as a "M.A.N.S. Journey" (Masculinity, Authenticity, Need Fulfillment, Surrender Journey).
• install nanny cams in my house to prevent any gay relapses.
• take responsibility for natural disasters*, including Katrina.

Once McCain is elected, I will continue to support him and his programs and I will not complain about my loss of civil rights. And I will continue to refrain from gay sex.

Signature ____________

The McCain Loyalty Oath for Women

I _______________ pledge to transfer my support from Hillary Clinton to John McCain. I agree to do all I can do to get McCain the vote. In order to achieve this noble goal I promise to support McCain's...

• fight to overturn Roe v. Wade and my right to choose.
• fight against equal pay for men and women.
• opposition to providing low-income and uninsured women and families with health care services ranging from breast and cervical cancer screening to birth control.
• opposition to sex education and support of abstinence-only education.
• making birth control covered by insurance.
• endorsement of women's rights more "in theory" than in practice.
• pet name for his wife.

As a woman I promise to apply McCain's principles to my own life and vow to...

• call myself and my female friends the C word.
• picket abortion clinics.
• not use contraceptives.
• drink bleach so I don't catch HIV and drink Mountain due so I don't get pregnant.
• give back part of my salary to male coworkers.
• not vote, but pursue education and encourage my father/husband/brother male friends to vote for McCain.

Once McCain is elected, I will continue to support him and I will not complain about my losing my right to choose, and other reproductive freedoms. And I will continue to refrain from pursuing equality for women.

Signature ____________

The McCain Loyalty Oath for Straight White Men

Straight white men, I bet you thought we left you out. This country may have turned its back on you, but we haven't. Here's a pledge of your own:

I _______________ pledge to transfer my support from Hillary Clinton to John McCain. I agree to do all I can do to get McCain the vote. In order to achieve this noble goal I promise to support McCain's...

• commitment to follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell.
• opposition to limiting soldiers' deployment to 12 months.
• fight against benefits for veterans.
• support of Bush's preemptive war doctrine.
• Operation Infinite Presence in Iraq.

As a straight white man I promise to apply McCain's principles to my own life and vow to...

• use Iran/Iraq and Shiites/Sunnis interchangeably.
• clear my schedule for the next 100 years.
• enlist in the military.
• follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell (while smiling).
• be willing to kill and/or be killed in Iraq.
• be willing to kill and/or be killed in Iran.
• be willing to kill and/or be killed in Syria.
• be willing to kill and/or be killed in Venezuela.

Once McCain is elected, I will continue to support him and I will not complain about my loss of limbs or life. And I will continue to refrain from questioning the war in Iraq or any other wars we will be fighting.

Signature __________________________________

*Although McCain and Hagee have since unendorsed each other, that was not until Hagee's controversial Holocaust speech was discovered. McCain didn't think Hagee's position on gay people (or women of Muslims, for that matter) warrant his disavowal.

The Obama pound, exchanged between Michelle and Barack on Tuesday night, marked a historic moment. Yeah, there's that whole first black nominee for president thing. But more significant, is the fact that the greeting which has been described by confused white journalists as a "fist bump," "closed-fist high-five," "a frat-tastic fist bump" and a "'Hezbollah' style fist-jabbing" is finally being introduced to mainstream culture. The introduction of "The Pound" into our national vocabulary will have ripple effects. It already has. People previously unfamiliar "the pound" are seeing the world in a whole new way. For instance, they should now realize that when the New York Times' Ashley Parker wrote about Reggie Love "offering closed-fist high-fives to members of the news media…." she was not describing a painful caveman greeting, but said pound. (I think the Times owes Reggie a correction.) I can't find an official history or definition of the pound, but here is what I found on Ubrandictionary.com

1. pound: a greeting between two mutual friends. In reality, a fist from one person is "pounded" against the fist of the other person, accompanied by both persons saying "pound."
2. Pound: The knocking of fists as a form of greeting, departure, or respect see daps
3. Dap: The knocking of fists together as a greeting, or form of respect. He gave me a dap when we greeted.
4. dap: a fist-on-fist greeting, front-to-front as if each person is punching each other on the hand. He gave me a dap when we greeted
5. dap: The Dap includes simple to very intricate series of rhythmic hand slaps, clasps, hand and arm gestures exchanged between two persons as a sign of personal greeting, respect and group solidarity. Has origin in greetings developed and practiced by members of Black Power organizations founded in southern California in the early 1970s and then became common place and outlawed practice among African-American draftees and soldiers stateside and abroad during the latter years of the Vietnam War. Was soon adopted by huge duck bill cap, suspender and knicker attired African-American street and club dancers who originated the dance known as "Lockstepping." Best known Lock Stepper is Fred Barry aka Rerun from the hit 1970s black TV sitcom, "What's Happenin'?" simplest of Daps is to tap closed fists together one time horizontally or vertically.

Emergency update! The Right Wing pundit who creatively described the pound between Michelle and Barack as "'Hezbollah' style fist-jabbing" must have read my post. His blog post no longer contains the following sentence:

"Michelle is not as "refined" as Obama at hiding her TRUE feelings about America—etc. Her "Hezbollah" style fist-jabbing—mouth-twisted anti-American speeches is STRAIGHT from ISLAM!"

Thank you for admitting you were wrong. I interpret your delete as an apology and I accept it.

Rachael Ray has been outed by Michelle Malkin as the Jihadi I had always suspected she was. But now, thanks to Malkinian journalism, we have the proof: an incriminating Dunkin Donuts ad in which Ray dons a Keffiyeh, a traditional head scarf worn by Arab men.

 

Dunkin’ Donuts tried to play on Americans’ natural freedom-loving and paisley-loving sensibility by insisting that the scarf was “a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design.” But Michelle Malkin saw through that silk facade and exposed the truth about Ray’s scarf: it’s cotton. And it’s an accessory of mass destruction. Malkin's expose was able to defeat the terrorist add as Dunkin' Donuts pulled the add, explaining "absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial."

 

Although Malkin was able to save our nation from this particular jihad, we must remain vigilant. Who knows what cell Ray is really with. Since the Keffiyeh is worn in several countries, Ray could be worse than just a Yasser Arafat fan. She could be a Bedouin sympathizer, a Somali apologist, or even a die hard Laurence of Arabia fan, whether man or movie?. In fact, couldn’t the Keffiyeh be Ray’s red herring? Could Ray be hiding Osama Bin Laden. If not, how do we explain this terrorist gesture which was first popularized by Osama Bin Laden?

 

It is this vigilance that led me to the surprising and sad conclusion that Malkin is herself committing a fashion terrorist attack on America's values.