[this is satire, fyi. But the comments from Bloomberg are, sadly, genuine.]

What’s wrong with this picture above? A lot…

If mayoral candidate Bill DeBlasio weren’t racist, he would do the right thing and never appear publicly with his black wife and/ or their two bi-racial children. This is the logic of current mayor, stop and frisk defender and well-known anti-racist champion Mike Bloomberg. During an interview with New York Magazine, Bloomie said that DeBlasio is running a “class warfare”-based and “racist” campaign, by “making an appeal using his family to gain support. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone watching what he’s been doing.”

Bloomberg is totally right. It is pretty obvious that DeBlasio is using his family for racist ends. Yeah, I mean the first racist thing DeBlasio did was making the mistake of marrying a woman who is black. But if DeBlasio weren’t racist, he would hide the fact that his family is inter-racial. He could literally and physically hide his non-all-white relatives. To do this he could keep said relatives at home all of the time. This would require homeschooling. Or he could have a white stunt-family that he appeared in public with. Or he could have his real family appear in video and print ads, but use Photoshop and Final Cut Pro to change their skin color. The fact that DeBlasio has not taken any of these measures is extremely racist.

Of course, DeBlasio claims that Bloomberg’s accusations of racism and class warfare are disturbing.  Responding to Bloomberg’s comments, DeBlasio said,

“I’m exceedingly proud of my family… They are each and every one strong and independent and make their own decisions. And we all have proceeded as a family together, and it’s been an extraordinarily positive experience for us. So all I can say is I hope the mayor will reconsider what he said. I hope he’ll realize that it was inappropriate. And I think the people of this city are ready for us to move forward together.”

Countering the allegation that she was a prop, DeBlasio’s wife Chirlane McCray said, “Do I look like an inanimate object or a tool? I walk, I talk, I make my own decisions.” And their daughter Chiara added, “Everything I do for the campaign is my decision. And I think that, or at least I suspect… 20 years ago my dad did not know he was running for mayor and he did not seek to marry a black woman to put her on display.” But can we really trust the judgement of a  woman who is married to a racist. Or the judgement of a young woman, who was raised by a racist father?

Also offended by Bloomberg’s comments (because the truth hurts) was novelist Juno Diaz. In an ad for DeBlasio, Diaz says, “Mayor Bloomberg seems to think that showing up in a photo with your black wife is ‘racist.’ When Bloomberg looks at a photograph of de Blasio’s family, he thinks racism. Me, I just think New York.” But how can we trust the analysis of well-known racist Diaz? If you don’t know what racism I’m talking about, shame on you. I shouldn’t have to do your homework for you. You should know about Diaz’s notorious record* of racism.

* OK, he has no record of racism.

In all seriousness, Bloomberg’s out of touch statements most likely reveal the billionaire’s anxiety over the probability that DeBlasio will defeat Bloomie’s protege Christine Quinn. And if you want to say how much Quinn and Bloomberg heart each other, check out the video below. [full disclosure: I worked on it].

transcript coming soon after the jump!