I’m pretty addicted to the hit Netflix original series Orange is the New Black, a dramedy about Piper Chapman, a white, bougie, New Yorker who serves a year in prison for drug trafficking. I’m so glad that it got renewed for a new season, though I can’t believe I have to wait a year! But if I had watched the last episode of the first season without knowing that there would be more, I would have done to the head of Netflix exactly what Piper Chapman does at the end of said episode. Part of the reason’s the show is so great is because of its great writing, great characters and great one-liners. Here are some of the best quotes from the show.
1. No Lesbian-Based Rooming!
When prison bureaucrat and lesbian witch-hunter mistakenly thinks Piper wants to room with “Crazy Eyes,” he shuts the whole thing down with this line. The avuncular (for now) Healy then offers the following anthropological insight: “She’s what we call a ‘stud,’ which is very confusing for a nice girl like you, because, let’s be honest, she looks like a man … My advice? Let her down easy … Lesbians can be very dangerous. It’s the testosterone.”
2. When Piper Breaks Up With Her Non-Wife
Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren is smitten with Piper, whom she nicknames Dandelion and for whom she writes the following poem:
“Before I met you the sun was like a yellow grape But now, it looks like fire in the sky Why? Because you light a fire inside me.”
When Crazy Eyes thinks another inmate is bothering Piper, she intervenes: “Move, bitch. This is my wife here, so you need to step. I will cut you! I will cut you, bitch! Don’t make me cut you!” Crazy Eyes also throws her pie at the other prisoner, which hits her in the torso. When Piper tells Crazy Eyes she’s not actually her wife, Crazy Eyes puts the cruelty of this rejection into perspective.
3. That Time Taystee Was Topless On Top Of A Bulldozer
This gem comes from an AA meeting the inmates organize in the yoga room. Prisoner Taystee Jefferson Jefferson is sharing when she knew “it was time to make a change” and quit drinking.