Headlines of the week: Bristol Palin’s second pregnancy inspires people failing at the thing they’re paid to do

Bristol Palin, oldest daughter of former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, at a book signing in Phoenix, Arizona (Gage Skidmore/Flickr)
Bristol Palin, oldest daughter of former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, at a book signing in Phoenix, Arizona (Gage Skidmore/Flickr)

This week brings several inspiring stories. Here’s a roundup of just some of the headlines you may have missed.

1. The second pregnancy of Abstinence-only spokeswoman Bristol Palin inspires all people who fail at the one job they are paid to do.

On Thursday, the unmarried Bristol Palin announced that she was pregnant with her second child. This development is especially fascinating given that Palin earned a mere $262,500 as an “abstinence only” advocate and ambassador for the Candie’s Foundation in 2009, having already had one baby. This hefty sum was seven times what the charity earned in donations and according to Forbes, “Apparently, the organization was only able to find $35,000 to grant to charities from the $1,242,476 donated from the public.”

To be clear, I’m not shaming Bristol for becoming pregnant or having a baby without being married. I’m shaming her for getting paid to preach a policy she clearly doesn’t practice, because, ummm, it doesn’t work. So beyond spreading a false abstinence only gospel, and spreading disinformation, she’s making buck doing it. Isn’t this the very definition of hypocrisy? And I thought Jesus Christ, who the Palins claim to follow so loyally, wasn’t into that whole thing.

Bristol Palin, oldest daughter of former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, at a book signing in Phoenix, Arizona (Gage Skidmore/Flickr)

The good news, and alternate headline for this story would be:

2. Bristol Palin unwittingly becomes Planned Parenthood’s s most effective and cheapest (free) spokeswoman. 

3. Japanese women’s obsession with a handsome gorilla proves that the people who warned that same-sex marriage would lead to bestiality were right. Critics of marriage equality have long argued that there is a slippery but very direct slope between legalizing same-sex marriage and legalizing things like bestiality, incest, polygamy, etc. Most examples of bestiality have come in the form of man-on-turtle love. But it looks like the most dangerous tendency is woman-on-gorilla love. On the same day that the Court made its historic ruling, women in Japan were making their own ruling on just how attractive a particular male gorilla is.

According to CNN

A surprisingly hunky male gorilla, Shabani, has female humans going ape after mugshots of the 18-year-old animal began going viral on Twitter. A surprisingly hunky male gorilla, Shabani, has female humans going ape after mugshots of the 18-year-old animal began going viral on Twitter in Japan.

Zoo officials tell CNN that young women have been flocking to see the pretty primate, who lives at the Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Gardens in Nagoya. Want to catch a glimpse of Shabani? Get in line. About 100 admirers constantly surround his exhibit, shouting “Look at me, Shabani!” and “This way, Shabani!” whenever he comes out.

I took the liberty of taking a screen-shot of the simultaneous trends of Facebook. At least it’s heterosexual inter-species love.

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I took the liberty of taking a screen-shot of the simultaneous trends of Facebook. At least it’s heterosexual inter-species love.

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4. Texas pastor who threatened to set himself on fire if the Supreme Court ruled for same-sex marriages refuses to go through with his promise, disappointing many.

Continue Reading…

The best right-wing Christian Halloween costumes of 2014

With Halloween less than two weeks away, it’s never too early to start planning your costume. This year, why not make a statement and go as your favorite Christian Right hero, heroine, meme or hypocrisy.


1. ABSTINENCE ONLY

Bristol_Palin
Bristol Palin (Wiki Commons)

What You’ll Need:  Long brown hair or a wig; a suit (skirt and jacket) or a professional dancer outfit; name tags; a sharpie; a pillow; a real life or toy baby or toddler; a bottle of Mountain Dew or a bottle of Bleach; condoms; a hole-puncher.

Instructions: Put on a suit or a Dancing with the stars outfit and shove a pillow in it so you look pregnant. Also wear a long brown hair wig.  Write Bristol Palin on a name tag and put it on yourself. Write Tripp Palin on a name tag and put it on real or doll baby. Take the condoms out of the wrapper and hole punch through each one in a few places. Then put the condoms in your pocket.  Carry around the baby in one hand all night. In the other hand carry the bottle of bleach or Mountain Dew. Offer people sips and explain that abstinence only is the best policy but that if they’re in a jam, they should drink some Mountain Dew so they don’t get pregnant. Take out the hole-punched condoms and explain that those never work.

2. GAY MARRIAGE

Florida Box Turtle (wikipedia)
Florida Box Turtle (wikipedia)

 

What You’ll Need: An adult-sized tuxedo; a stuffed animal of your choice, but preferably a box turtle, if you can find one; a baby tuxedo; poster board; sharpie, preferably a rainbow pack; two gold rings; crazy glue.

Instructions: Put on the tuxedo and the ring. Take the stuffed animal (hopefully a box turtle, but any animal will do) and put it in the baby tuxedo. Crazy glue the ring onto the animal. Take the poster board and write “Just Married” on it. If you bought the rainbow pack, alternate the colors for the different letters. Put the sign on your back. Continue reading “The best right-wing Christian Halloween costumes of 2014”