Let right-wing Christians spice up your love life on the most romantic day of the year.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, we bring you 13 pieces of advice from the Christian Right so you can spend the potentially sin-inducing holiday the right way.
1. Dump the Infidel
Dan Miser, author of Single Woman Seeking Perfect Man has a must-read column called “Five Red Flags for Christians Blinded by Romance.” The worst one of all is when “you’re dating an unbeliever,” or “dating someone who does not have a personal relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ.” Well, it turns out, “Any emotional attachment you have toward a person who is not on the same spiritual page as you, or vice versa, is an unhealthy attachment.” But don’t worry. Follow these concrete steps to find happiness, which are presented in totally relatable colloquial language: “Read and learn from those such as Samson of the Bible, and do now what you’ll otherwise wish you would have done later. Heed God’s Word, and be not unequally yoked.” In case you missed the memo, Miser has you covered. “Yes, that means break up and move on.”
2. Don’t Do It Missionary-Style
It’s not just wrong to date a doubter of Jesus Christ; it’s a documented and diagnosable disease, according to Miser. “Most Christians who hang onto a non-believer actually think they are the best chance that their unsaved date will ever have for knowing Jesus? Don’t be deceived.” And it’s so endemic that someone made up a term for it. “Someone has already coined a word for this false evangelistic strategy. It is called ‘missionary dating’.” Don’t do it!
Hey ladies! Because the Christian Right doesn’t exactly challenge the gender binary, to put it lightly, let’s look at some of the advice tailored for women.
3. Understand That Men Have This Thing Called Sex Drive
Another gem from Focus on the Family is the Jill Slattery essay “Sex Is a Physical Need,” which should really be called “Sex Is a Physical Need for Men.” She explains to her female readers, “One of the biggest differences between you and your husband is the fact that he experiences sex as a legitimate physical need. Just as your body tells you when you’re hungry, thirsty, or tired, your husband’s body tells him when he needs a sexual release. Your husband’s sexual desire is impacted by what’s around him but is determined by biological factors, specifically the presence of testosterone in his body.” So, imagine if your vagina were hungry. That’s what it would feel like.
4. Try to Imagine What Sexual Pleasure Feels Like, Though You Obviously Have Never Experienced It
Slattery explains that, “Immediately after sexual release, men are physically satisfied.” Get it, women? There’s this thing that happens during sex which men find enjoyable. You probably can’t even begin to understand what that means. Because you don’t build sperm (see below).
5. Blue Balls Is Real, Painful and a Lot Like Breastfeeding
Slattery continues explaining the biology behind the uniquely male sex drive: “as their sexual clock ticks on, [I have no idea what this means], sexual thoughts become more prevalent, and they are more easily aroused. The physical need for sexual release intensifies as sperm builds in the testicles. The body continues to produce and store sperm, although sperm production fluctuates based on levels of testosterone and the frequency of sexual release.”
When a woman denies her husband an outlet, she is not only thwarting a biological need, but inflicting pain. Testicular pain. Slattery explains this in the only terms a woman can ever hope to understand: “The best way for a woman to understand this dynamic is to relate it to another physiological need. If you’ve had a baby, you may relate to the experience of milk building up in your breasts a few days after giving birth. The buildup of breast milk becomes annoying (and even painful) until the milk is expressed. You may have even had the embarrassing experience of leaking breast milk when it was not expressed. A male’s semen buildup is sometimes released through nocturnal emissions if it is not otherwise relieved. Just as with breast milk, sperm production tends to ‘keep up with demand.’ The more often a man has sex, the more semen his body is likely to produce.”
Here Slattery seems to be sending a mixed message. Are women supposed to receive their husbands’ expression, lest he emit at night, embarrass himself or experience sperm buildup pain? Or are women supposed to dampen their husbands’ drives by interrupting the feedback cycle of semen-based supply and demand? Jill, if you’re reading this, please clarify.
6. Submit, Resist Your Natural Desire to Manipulate and…Submit Some More!
Pastor John Hagee has tons of advice when it comes to marriage. And he should know because this rapture-ready Christian Zionist has been married twice. His second wife, Diana, is the co-author of one of Hagee’s most insightful books, What Every Man Wants in a Woman. Woman’s most important and god-given job is submission. “Remember that your husband has a God-given role as leader of your home. Allow the Holy Spirit to help you willingly submit to his loving, godly leadership. Avoid the natural desire to manipulate his leadership and dominate in situations that arise in your family’s life.” Let the holy spirit guide you into a prostrate position.
Hey fellas! Here are some tips for you, you poor and patient sufferers of testicular pressure and pain.
7. Try Not to Get Killed by a Woman With PMS, Bubba
Picking a favorite Hagee passage is impossible. But if I had to, I would probably go with this one on female biology and psychology.
“Within the body of every healthy woman who hasn’t reached menopause or had a hysterectomy is a cycle known as ovulation. That means fourteen days of chemical balance, what I call the “Days of Wine and Roses,” and fourteen days of chemical imbalance, or the ‘Days of Thunder and Lightning.’”
If you don’t know what Hagee’s talking about, he provides an explanation that everyone can relate to. “During the Days of Thunder and Lightning, moods change dramatically, inexplicably, and instantaneously. On one day a man comes home, and his wife is waiting at the door dressed in a negligee with a rose in her teeth. He scoops her up in his arms, provided she doesn’t weigh three hundred pounds, and carries her off to the bedroom. He bangs on his chest and yells like Tarzan, ‘It must be the cologne I’m wearing!’”
Sounds familiar, right? If so, you know what happens next, and it isn’t pretty: “The next day… he hurries home for a repeat performance from his wife. Except she is not at the door when he arrives. He searches through the house. She’s not in the kitchen. She’s not in the living room. She’s not in the bedroom. Finally he spots her huddled in a chair in the den crying her eyes out. He walks over and reaches out to comfort her, and she snarls like a half starved junkyard dog, ‘Don’t touch me, you big ape. All you ever want is my body. Sex, sex, sex, that’s all you ever think about.’”
Hagee issues a serious warning: “What happened? The Days of Thunder and Lightning have begun. Don’t touch her, Bubba. If you do, you’ll get hurt. If she has PMS…you’ll get killed.” Safety first.
8. Don’t Confuse a PMS-ing Women with a Dog or a Criminal
Perhaps the most potentially life-saving tip from Hagee is how to distinguish between a PMS-ing woman on the one hand and creatures or criminals, on the other: “Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick. Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist.” Useful and funny. That’s my kind of Christian counseling.
9. Consider Becoming Muslim and Beating your Wife
This may confuse readers who remember Miser’s advice—and who could forget it?—about kicking non-Christians to the curb. But diversity and differing opinions (among straight white Christian males) is important. When a viewer of Pat Robertson’s “700 Club,” sought advice on how to deal with his wife who “has no respect for me as the head of the house,” the pastor and health shake telemarketer responded, “Well, you could become a Muslim and you could beat her.” When Robertson’s co-host, Terry Meeuwsen, started to laugh (instead of cry, I guess), Pat made it clear he wasn’t joking: “I don’t think we condone wife-beating these days but something has got to be done to make her.” Robertson deserves credit for his efficiency, as he manages to encourage not only sexism, not only Islamophobia, but battery (a crime) into one piece of advice. Go Pat!
Hey virgins! Of course, conservative Christians wouldn’t forget about you!
10. Be Politically Incorrect, Skip Valentine’s Day and Celebrate the Day of Purity
The Day of Purity, brought to you by the Liberty Council “offers the youth who strive for sexual purity an opportunity to stand in opposition to a culture of moral decline. When the youth of America stand up for sexual purity they send a message to parents, churches, communities, legislators, and the media that they want a different America.”
Does that sound boring? Well, it turns out, it’s not! “Be a part of the ‘counter-culture’ — be politically incorrect.”
Sounds fun, right? So, how do you celebrate it? Start by taking the purity pledge, which reads: “I hereby choose to save sex until I am in a committed marriage relationship. Knowing this is the best choice for my health, emotions, and spirituality, I voluntarily choose to abstain from sexual activity until my wedding night. Once I am married, I will remain true to my spouse. Putting aside whatever past I may have, I make this commitment today to purity and to setting high standards for my life.”
What’s even cooler is that you can print out credit card-sized Purity Pledges, carry them in your wallet, show yours off, and get friends to sign their own. The abstinence-only movement thinks of everything!