10 Worst Sex and Romance Tips from the Christian Right

Let right-wing Christians spice up your love life on the most romantic day of the year.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, we bring you 13 pieces of advice from the Christian Right so you can spend the potentially sin-inducing holiday the right way.

1. Dump the Infidel

Dan Miser, author of Single Woman Seeking Perfect Man has a must-read column called “Five Red Flags for Christians Blinded by Romance.” The worst one of all is when “you’re dating an unbeliever,” or “dating someone who does not have a personal relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ.” Well, it turns out, “Any emotional attachment you have toward a person who is not on the same spiritual page as you, or vice versa, is an unhealthy attachment.” But don’t worry. Follow these concrete steps to find happiness, which are presented in totally relatable colloquial language: “Read and learn from those such as Samson of the Bible, and do now what you’ll otherwise wish you would have done later. Heed God’s Word, and be not unequally yoked.” In case you missed the memo, Miser has you covered. “Yes, that means break up and move on.”

2. Don’t Do It Missionary-Style

It’s not just wrong to date a doubter of Jesus Christ; it’s a documented and diagnosable disease, according to Miser. “Most Christians who hang onto a non-believer actually think they are the best chance that their unsaved date will ever have for knowing Jesus? Don’t be deceived.” And it’s so endemic that someone made up a term for it. “Someone has already coined a word for this false evangelistic strategy. It is called ‘missionary dating’.” Don’t do it!

Hey ladies! Because the Christian Right doesn’t exactly challenge the gender binary, to put it lightly, let’s look at some of the advice tailored for women.

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How to Get a Vagina High: 4 Things We Learned About Sex This Week

Some interesting tidbits about sexuality revealed.

From why we have sex in the first place, to marijuana lube for your lady parts, here’s what we learned about sex this week.

1. If you have to cheat on a straight man….

David Frederick, an assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University in Orange, Calif. wanted to look at the different ways people respond to sexual infidelity, which he defines as having sex but not falling in love, as opposed to emotional infidelity, or falling in love but not having sex. For the study, 64,000 Americans expressed via an online survey how they would respond to sexual and emotional infidelity. The participants also indicated their gender and sexual orientation (straight, bisexual, gay/ lesbian). Only one of the groups was more upset by sexual cheating than by emotional cheating. And that was…straight men! Fifty-four percent percent of heterosexual men were more upset by sexual infidelity, compared to 35 percent of heterosexual women. Sixty-five percent of straight women and 46% of straight men said they would be more upset by emotional cheating. For bisexual men and women as well lesbians and gay men, only around 30% would be more upset by sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity.

2. The mystery of why we have sex, solved at last.

As you may have noticed, humans reproduce sexually, while other species like jellyfish or plants can create offspring asexually. And for a while, scientists had a theoretical understanding of why. Fun factor aside, combining genetic information from two individuals is less efficient than doing it solo, but it’s healthier because as Jesse Hollister, a former University of Toronto post-doc fellow, puts it, “Asexual reproduction leads to a buildup of deleterious mutations over time; it’s called Muller’s Ratchet.” Of course! Muller’s Ratchet! Hollister explains, “The species’ average fitness is reduced and they are less able to compete in the ecological arena than sexual species, so they have an increased probability of extinction.”

But as any scientist knows, theories are great, but they don’t hold a candle to data. Thanks to Hollister we have empirical evidence backing the theory and the evening primrose. The evening primrose! Some evening primroses, or EPs as I like to call them, have evolved to reproduce sexually, while others reproduce asexually. In a totally incomprehensible process, Hollister and his colleagues were able to document that the EPs which produced sexually were healthier.

3. The first lubricant designed to get your lady parts high.

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Men More Sexually Aroused When They Suspect Cheating? 4 Weird Things Science Told Us About Sex This Week

Here are some things we learned about sex this week. Rats: They’re just like us! Or a little like us, when it comes to liking their ladies in lingerie.

1. Male rats like their lady rats in lingerie: If you thought human males were the only ones into lingerie, you are wrong and very anthro-normative. It’s not that either humans or rats are evolutionarily programmed to like Victoria Secret. It’s that both humans and male rats can learn how to associate certain things with sex and thus find them sexier. Psychologists from Concordia University in Montreal gathered a dozen of male virgin rats (I know! Where do you find even a handful of virgin rats these days?) and threw a rat mixer for them. All the lady rats in attendance were wearing little rat jackets. And the male and female rats mated, as the do. On another occasion, scientists took the same bunch of now not-so-virgin male rats and threw them into a room, or cage, with two lady rats. One was naked and one was wearing the same jacket. The rats preferred the jacketed one. And by prefer I mean mounted her more frequently and ejaculated faster. Co-author Gonzalo R. Quintana Zunino explained that the experiment demonstrated that rats were able to learn, “Each time my partner wears lingerie [a jacket], I’m going to have sex.” Sounds a little presumptuous.

2. There must be something in the mistletoe: I must go to very boring holiday parties because I find this next study shocking. According to a survey done on 1,500 people by married dating site IllicitEncounters.com, 34% of Brits have sex with their colleagues after office holiday parties. So, a married dating site may skew a little, statistically speaking, when it comes to shagging (that’s what the Brits call having sex). Also 67% kissed a co-worker.

3. Indonesia introduces male birth control: Indonesian scientists are making pills with from the gendarussa shrub, which men on the island of Papua have long used as birth control by boiling it in tea and drinking it a half hour before having sex. According to scientists from the government’s National Family Planning Coordination Board and Airlangga University, the pills, which have been tested on 350 men, are 99% effective. They will go on sale in 2016. Why is male birth control so exciting? Well, it doesn’t mess with a woman’s hormones, which can have unpleasant side-effects.
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